THE 'FINAL IDIOT' PROJECT
So I'm going to play all the Final Fantasy games, back to back, numbers one through twelve.
You may ask 'why', and it's a fair enough question to ask. I wish I had a good answer, but I don't. It just seems like something to do.
Am I a huge Final Fantasy fanboy ? Nope. In fact, my contact with the series is quite small. I will admit, I have finished one of the games before. The most recent one, FFXII on the PS2. It was fun, I liked it. Apart from that, I've played about half each of FFX and FFX-2. I didn't have a PSX back in the day, but my friend did. So I played about an hour each of FFVII, FFVIII, and FFIX. The first six I haven't even seen. So a fanboy ? No, sir.
I do like RPGs. I played D&D before there even was an AD&D. I've always liked computer RPG games, but I never had a console before my PS2, which is probably how this series passed me by, for the most part.
However, I am not usually a finisher. I play things partway through, get bored and then stop. Finishing FFXII was quite unusual for me. Perhaps this is what has sparked this madness. So planning to play all the games seems like a stupid thing to attempt. But then I'm a stupid guy, so this just might work out. And this being 2007, we don't just do stupid things for our own entertainment anymore. We do stupid things, and then we blog them. Behold the wonder and the glory of the internet.
I'm not going to use any cheats or guides unless I get really stuck. Then I'll use a guide just enough to 'unstick' me. FFXI is only online, so I'm not going to play that one. Instead, I'll play FF Tactics in its place, because I have a copy of it. I know that there's a lot of other titles, like 'Chocobo Racing' and so on, as well as a lot of fanmade stuff. Forget all that, I'm sticking to the main, core titles only (and Tactics).
The goal is not to get through them as quickly as possible. I'm sure some grognard could so this better and faster. Just getting through will be enough for me. I mange to hold down a job, and believe it or not I have a social life as well. Final Fantasy is only something to fill those spare moments when I usually play games anyway, it's not a lifestyle choice. I'll record play in 'sessions', which means a day of play. This doesn't mean continuous play. If I play a bit, then stop, then play some more on the same day then it's still the same 'session'.
I am also not a completist. I'm not trying to finish every little nook and cranny of the games, find all the secrets, do every subquest and so on. Just finishing the games will be more than enough, especially seeing as though I'm trying not to use cheats or guides.
If you have something to say, I'm all ears. Drop me a line at finalidiot@neveimpress.com
OK, let's go. God help me.
Final Fantasy II
Session 22 - Tuesday 22nd January 2008
Play time : 45 mins
Total : 34 hrs 15 mins
A bit more buffing and finall, finally, I beat the emperor. Thank God.
Because I'm awesome, that's why. I head back to town. Gus drops another nugget of pure insight.
It sure did. Everyone says goodbye and goes their seperate ways. Then, oddly, all the ghosts of the dead characters turn up and also wave us off. What is this, 'Return of the Jedi' ? And then ...
The end ! I beat the bitch ! Twenty two session and just over 34 hours of gameplay. The official game clock gives me 30 hours and 4 minutes. But that doesn't include times I died and had to re-cover ground and so on. A pretty good game. Definitely a step up from the first game in terms of sophistication. The levelling up system is different, not working all that well especially at the higher levels, but interesting enough.
So combined with the count from the first game, the count is thirty four sessions (days) of play, and a total of 60 hours twenty minutes of play. That's awesome value considering I played these both off the same PSX game disc. A lot of value for very little money.
Final Fantasy III beckons. god help me. I'm already further into this than I thought I'd get. I'm proud of myself, but there's a long way to go.
Session 21 - Monday 21st January 2008
Play time : 2 hrs
Total : 33 hrs 30 mins
Two hours. Two hours I spend doing nothing but buffing up my characters. I face the emperor again.
Smartass. He kicks my ass again. DAMNIT !
Session 20 - Thursday 17th January 2008
Play time : 1 hr 20 mins
Total : 31 hrs 30 mins
I fight my way through and make it to the Emperor - zombie version. Nice ! Final boss !
PREPARE TO MEET YOUR DOOM !
Unfortunately for me, he kicks my ass. What ? Yes, I lose. Badly. It's not close, he stomps all over me. Booooooo.
Session 19 - Sunday 13th January 2008
Play time : 2 hrs
Total : 30 hrs 10 mins
The final dungeon, the Abyss. We descend ...
This is a pretty tough dungeon. Eventually it leads through to a teleporter to some unknown place called 'Pandaemonium'.
A glittering crystal palace. But purple. Gaudy. Only Prince would live here.
Session 18 - Saturday 12th January 2008
Play time : 2 hrs
Total : 28 hrs 10 mins
I fight my way through the tornado dungeon. The emperor is waiting for me ...
Not wanting to fight mano-a-mano, he disptches some wussy guards on me.
They are absolutely no match for me at this stage. So he tries some more.
But they go the way of the first set. So finally he has no choice but to square up.
He's no match. I squash him and his lackeys flat. We've won ! The emperor is dead !
There is dancing, and much rejoicing !
But unfortunately it doesn't end there. It turns out our old friend Leon, the Dark knight has taken over as the new emperor. <sigh> Looks like more ass kicking is required. Cid gives me a way to the castle. He is dying but his airship is ... uh ... scratchless.
Flying the ship, we make it over to the castle. We fight our way down scoring some cool items in the process. We finally square up against Leon, but the old emperor appears, undead. Cool. The dragoon sacrifices himself so we can get away as the castle is destroyed.
Leon agrees to join us in his place, as the princess catalogues the dead. Morbid emo chick ...
Session 17 - Thursday 10th January 2008
Play time : 45 mins
Total : 26 hrs 10 mins
Returning to the mirror room in the castle, I watch the egg hatch. The dragon flies to meet me, and most importantly Gareth the dragoon, in the castle.
This allows us to fly into the tornado where there is - you guessed it - another dungeon.
Session 16 - Sunday 6th January 2008
Play time : 1 hr 45 mins
Total : 25 hrs 25 mins
Armed with the rod that will open the tower, I can finally get in there. But of course, nothing is ever quite this straighforward. On the way to the island I get sucked down a whirlpool.
I find myself missing Leila the pirate, and in a new dungeon called :
Gross.
So evidently I've been eaten. Through the intestines, I make my way to the stomach, where there's a whole gang of people living happily, complete with desks and chests and barrels. Don't ask what they eat.
A lone dragoon, Gareth, joins me in Leila's place. We battle our way up and out of the big, nasty beast. The final boss in here is some kind of worm. The leviathan has worms.
It's fairly tough, but at the end of the day, it's a worm. And I'm a MAN GODDAMNIT !
I lay a beatdown and escape. Now finally, FINALLY, I can get to the island and use the rod to open the tower.
The tower is pretty tough. I think about turning back a few times, but instead I decided to use elixirs that fully heal my HP and MP. They're expensive, so I can't waste them, but they do get me through the tower in one shot. The bossessesses here are mages that can transform themselves.
Into a fire gigas ...
... ice gigas ...
... and thunder gigas.
But I mash them all. At the top of the tower I find Mindu. If he was able to get in so easily, you have to wonder why I didn't just go with him insead of messing around with masks and rods and leviathan guts. Oh well. He helps me to open a magically sealed door ...
And dies in the process. Tough door. I get the Ultima spell scroll from a room full of balls.
Leaving the tower successful, I find that most of the towns have somehow been detroyed. Only Fynn castle is intact, but there is an ominous tornado nearby. Dun dun duuuuuuuhn !
Session 15 - Saturday 5th January 2008
Play time : 2 hrs 40 mins
Total : 23 hrs 40 mins
The island dungeon has some strange inhabitants.
They sell some items, but oddly they're worse than the ones already available in Mysidia. So I don't buy anything. Down the bottom of the dungeon I find the next boss, a rhino !
Exciting ! We battle !
I kill the rhino in one round. One. Single. Round.
I get the mask I need and tromp back up to Mysidia where there's a statue that needs a white mask. I oblige.
This gives me access to another dungeon. I fight my way down and eventually come to ... me.
I subdue him using the black mask. Fighting my way all the way down to the bottom, I get the crystal rod. Finally.
Session 14 - Friday 4th January 2008
Play time : 50 mins
Total : 21 hrs
Heading to another part of the middle continent, I find a new city called Mysidia. It has great items for sale, so I stock up. I then go to the next dungeon, which is on a tropical island. Lovely.
Session 13 - Wednesday 2nd January 2008
Play time : 1hr
Total : 20 hrs 10 mins
I finish the castle basement and find the first mask. That's it. No pic today. Boo.
Session 12 - Thursday 27th December 2007
Play time : 1hr 40mins
Total : 19 hrs 10 mins
Searching the castle I finally find the enemy leader. He's a pushover.
I take care of him, and the castle is ours again. Which is nice. My next quest is to get into a tower on a lone island. However, to get into the tower I need a crystal rod. To get the crystal rod, I need to find two magical masks. Is nothing ever easy ? I start exploring the basement of the castle.
Session 11 - Sunday 23rd December 2007
Play time : 1hr 40mins
Total : 17 hrs 30 mins
I need to cross a desert in order to get to the arena. I return to the Chocobo forest and cross the desert easily, the running bird keeping me away from any random encounters. Nice. I enter the arena and am immediately fenced in by the evil Emperor.
I am forced to fight and angry looking big cat ...
The 'Behemoth' is actually a pretty easy kill. Sorry, pusscat.
As expected, the whole thing is actually a trap. I am surrounded by the Dark Knight and his cronies, and thrown down into a prison cell. You'd think that after just fighting off a huge lion beastie thing we'd put up a bit of a struggle against these soldiers. But no, we seem to just accept it and get locked up.
A friendly ninja-type who works with the rebels lets us out of our cage. We make our way through the dungeon, rescuing the princess (again) on the way. The dungeon is not too long, and we make ou way out, back through the desert and then to safety.
The princess is no longer in the starting city. The rebels have set up camp outside our original hometown, the one that's been crawling with soldiers. It seems they will assault it and take it back. But of course, everyone is just going to sit back and wait until my party takes out the leader. Fine.
I search through the town, not really sure of what I'm doing. Then I figure out that it's not the town, I need to be in, but the castle at the end. So I pop into the castle and have a little look around. There's a mirror room which shows me the dragon egg I put in the pool. It seems to be still there, unhatched. I'm not sure what the point of this is.
I stop playing before I manage to find the enemy leader. Next time, Gadget. Next time ...
Session 10 - Thursday 20th December 2007
Play time : 1hr 45mins
Total : 15hrs 50 mins
Back to the cave. It's pretty tough for my party. I get to the stage where I can take on one Gigas if I run across it, but two will still cause me big problems. Add to this the fact that there is no town nearby, and I'm pretty happy that I can afford to use cottages now. The cave is pretty maze-like. However, I finally find the right path and make it down to the pool. Where, of course, there is another boss.
Chimera ? I hardly know her !
And in fact, it's not one Chimera but four.
This doesn't stop me from pounding them, however. I put the egg in the pool and it sinks to the bottom. I thought it would hatch, but that seems to be it. A bit of a disappointment really, like those Sea Monkeys I bought one time.
I return to the princess, who is acting a little strangely. First she sends the rest of my party of out the room for some 'alone time'.
Then, she gets on the bed and asks me over.
This is pretty raunchy stuff ! My palms are sweating as I press 'X', only to find ... she's actually an evil snake woman. I mean, more so than usual. She's an actual snake. Luckily, the rest of my party come bursting into the room to help me fight her.
Which is creepy when you think about it. It means that my party was listening at the door, waiting for my main character to get laid. That aint right. Looking at the picture I know there's a 'going down' joke in there somewhere as well, but my heart isn't in it.
The 'Lamia Queen' goes down, and not in the way I'd initially hoped (there it is). Then a messenger arrives saying that the Emperor is holding a tournament and the kidnapped princess is the first prize. If he'd arrived with this news just moments earlier, then I would've known that the 'princess' was a fake. Bloody too-slow messenger. What is this, Romeo and Juliet ?
Session 9 - Wednesday 19th December 2007
Play time : 45mins
Total : 14hrs 05 mins
There's a cave nearby. Another dungeon. This one is not too tricky except for these giants called Gigas who can trash my entire party. I avoid them, and find the pendant on just the second level. Seems easy enough. All I have to do is loot a corpse. Hmmm. Anyway, pendant in hand I return to speak to the last dragon, who is in the process of checking out.
The answer to this is basically 'no'. The dragon then gives me an egg, and then tells me to take it back to the cave, to drop it in a pool of water and hatch it. Fair enough, I thought the cave dungeon was a little too short.
Session 8 - Monday 17th December 2007
Play time : 1hr 15mins
Total : 13hrs 20 mins
I am lost. It takes me ages to find the island I'm supposed to find. The directions I'm given are extremely vague. Only one I figure out how to open the world map do I find the damn place. There is a castle which turns out to be pretty much derelict except for a boy, his mother and the last remaining dragon. I need some pendant to talk to the dragon. This is all I get done, I was honesty looking for that island for ages.
Session 7 - Sunday 16th December 2007
Play time : 2hrs
Total : 12hrs 05 mins
I sneak into the enemy dreadnaught. I can't use 'warp' here, so I have to be careful. I try a few exploratory runs, and am now using cottages to help me from having to backtrack all the way to a town.
I find the princess in a dungeon.
I let her out and then find that I can't even leave the ship, there's a soldier guarding the exit who's too tough for me to fight. So ready or not, I have to push on. Worried about my health and magic points, I ignore some of the extra treasure chests and just try to get through. I fight my way up to the engine room and toss in the magic fire.
Lights flash, everyone runs away. Including my party. The dreadnaught blows up spectacularly. I cheer.
Take that, evil empire !
I return home, victorious. But there is no rest for us killer, ninja, rebel types. My next quest is to track down the Dragoons, a bunch of dragon riding badboys. Sounds like a good bunch. Gordon leaves the party. There's now a new ferry ship at the port city, ready to take me to new lands. I catch the new ferry, but it turns out to actually be a bunch of pirates. I kick them into submission. This is made easier due to the fact that they're, well, a bit on the pudgy side.
If they were in better shape they might've won. As it is, I take their ship.
That's two games in a row where I've bullied pirates and taken their ship. Sweet. Now I have my own ship to go wherever I want. And unlike in the first game, this boat can land on any bit of shoreline you want, not just at ports.
Session 6 - Wednesday 12th December 2007
Play time : 2hrs
Total : 10hrs 05 mins
More dungeon crawling, making my way through the castle. It's medium tough and it takes me a few goes. I get up to the last room where there's a living flame that wants to cook me.
The only problem with this bugger is that magic heals it. I figure this out pretty quick and then stomp it.
'Shrieker', eh ? Not good enough. I finally pick up the torch that I was looking for.
The torch allows me to pick up the magic fire back down on the first floor.
Nice. I leave to return triumphantly to the princess. However, somehow she knows that we've been successful and is heading out to congratulate us. There's a kind of Han Solo type rogue airship captain who is giving her a lift, when they are swallowed up by the dreadnaught. DA DA DAAAAAH ! High drama !
I guess that, Mario style, I must now rescue the princess. I wander around and find the parked dreadnaught. I prepare myself for the assault...
Session 5 - Monday 10th December 2007
Play time : 1hr 15 mins
Total : 8 hrs 05 mins
Not too much in this session. I find the next dungeon, a castle that I access using the bell. Somehow a guy called Gordon is already in there, who takes dead Josef's doomed fourth slot in my party. I dabble around in the castle and make a little progress. My 'warp' spell works here. I guess because there was an event at the end of the last dungeon, the rolling ball, the spell was blocked. Now things are a bit easier. On one of my trips back to town I stumble across a place where you can catch and ride chocobos !
Even I know enough about the FF game s to know that the chocobo is a recurring character / object / thing. I am happy to see it. Also because it means I can travel quickly across the map without random encounters.
Session 4 - Wednesday 5th December 2007
Play time : 50 mins
Total : 6 hrs 50 mins
OK ! Back down the ice dungeon and this time I feel prepared to take on the boss.
It's a harder version of the thing that was guarding the 'Warp' spell.
But that doesn't stop me from turning it into soup. Yummy, yummy soup. This earns me the bell that I was after.
There's a secret passage that gives me an express way to the top level of the dungeon. However, before I can leave there's a surprise. The leader of the dreadnaught town has followed me. He damns me.
For some reason he looks like a pirate. I have a soft spot for pirates, but decide to kill him anyways.
He goes down like a sack of potatoes. However, as a dying jab he sets off a trap, an Indiana Jones style rolling ball. Instead of stepping to one side, my party decides to run ahead of the ball, as it crashes down the stairs behind us. Clever. Josef decides to stop and hold the ball while we escape.
Surely if he can do that, it can't be that heavy ? Supposedly not, as it then rolls over him and crushes him to death. The game made a big thing about Josef having a wife and kid, so it's been playing the 'pathos' card pretty heavily. I weep. Oh, how I weep.
Session 3 - Tuesday 4th December 2007
Play time : 2 hrs
Total : 6 hrs
I dabble in the ice dungeon, but it's pretty tough so I retreat. When Mindu was in my party, he had a cool spell called 'Warp' this lets you instantly exit from a dungeon. This is cool, as usually dungeon delving is like a game of chicken. You want to go as far as you dare, but need to make sure you have enough resources to get out alive. With 'Warp', you can basically just keep going until you're pretty much done, then limp back to town on your final health points.
There is a copy of this spell in the waterfall cave but the chest is guarded by a tough monster, a spiketortoise, that was messing me up. A bit tougher now, and with Josef, I return to the bottom level of the waterfall dungeon and get the spell. Nice. I also have enough money to fully arm my party with mythril weapons. Newly armed, I return to the ice dungeon.
It's quite deep. Eventually I come to a pool full of giant beavers. Giant beavers ? Giant beavers. I know there's a beaver joke in there somewhere, but I'm going to leave it alone.
My 'tank' character, Gus, can talk to animals. How ? Why ? None of this is explained. No matter, I am entertained.
The beavers tell me about a secret wall which leads through to the last room of the dungeon. I am pretty beat up, so I decide to 'Warp' out before tackling the boss.
Only to find that the spell is unavailable. WHAT ? For no explicable reason, I can't use the spell in this dungeon. Cobblers. I limp and scrape my way back up to the surface, and only just make it out alive. With my newly earned cash I manage to clothe all my party in mythril armour. Right, now I'm ready.
Session 2 - Friday 30th November 2007
Play time : 2 hrs
Total : 4 hrs
So now I have to go back down into the same dungeon. This time I go all the way down and meet my first boss, the leading of the mine slavers. He makes it clear we're not going to be friends:
This guy is a Sergeant. The guy that destroyed me back at the castle was a Captain. No wonder I couldn't even touch him.
This is a pretty tough fight. I feel like I'm not quite prepared for it, but I manage to scrape through. I pick up the mythril and head home. I can now buy mythril weapons and armor, but they're too expensive for me yet. Mindu leaves the party, and now I need to go find this 'dreadnaught', a fighting airship. I head up to another town, that's six already !
There's a short dungeon which is the secret passage through from the town to where the dreadnaught is being kept. I meet a dark knight
But we don't fight. Instead, I am too late to stop the dreadnaught. It looks quite impressive.
It takes off and bombs the hell out of all the 'allied' towns. On my way home I get to see the ruins. I consider the FF games as a whole to be kind of 'fluffy', so I was quite surprised to see this :
Oh. Uh ... sorry to hear about that. I level up my 'Grief Counseling' stat and move on.
The dreadnaught is now my target. The princess tells me I need to get some magic fire to blow it up. However, as this is an RPG things are never quite that easy. First I need to get a magic bell in order to get into the castle where the fire is being kept. This is being kept in a dungeon up in the snowfields.
So, back across the ocean to the snow town. Mindu left me back with the princess, but now Josef, my secret contact in the snow town, joins in my fourth party slot. We return to the waterfall dungeon where he stashes his secret snowmobile behind a secret wall.
This allows me to access the snowfields in my brand new, shiny SNOWMOBILE !
Session 1 - Tuesday 27th November 2007
Play time : 2 hrs
Final Fantasy II. Same as the previous one, I am playing this on the Playstation 'Origins' disc. I am buoyed by my victory over the first game, and have taken a bit of a break as well. Let's get it on.
Starting off, the differences between the two games are pretty clear. Most obviously, there is no levelling up. Now skills and stats grow on more of a sliding scale. Instead of taking little 'jumps' with each level, they raise point by point. They also raise by using them. You fight with a sword, your sword skill improves. I like this.
Also, the magic has improved. The last game had 'bands' of magic, levels in which you could cast a limited number of spells. This had me not using magic very much, as I always wanted to wait until I really needed it. Now there is a more conventional MP, points system.
There also seems to be more plot. The intro suggests an evil empire and our character's hometown being invaded. One of the four characters we start with is missing right from the start, taken away by enemy soldiers. I expect to see him again soon.
Our first quest is given to us by the rebel leading princess (cough *Star Wars* cough). I have to go and find the prince who is back in my home town that is being held by enemy troops.
As you can see, there is also now a conversation interaction. Of sorts. You can memorize key words then repeat them back to people, or use items. Not sophisticated, but better than FFI.
I head north and get in my first fight, goblins again. I make it up to the castle and talk to one of the enemy troops. This sparks off a fight in which I get totally destroyed. Damnit. It seems that stealth is the key. Next time I wander through the town without talking to anyone. I find the pub and my secret contact. He leads me through a secret passage into a back room. The prince gives me a ring ...
... and then dies. I was a bit surprised, I thought he'd be a big NPC but it seems he was only a bit-part.
I wander back to the starting town, and am given a new quest, to go and find some Mythril. A new character joins my party, a pretty advanced (compared to my n00bs) mage with lots of white magic. His name is Mindu. He also gives me a canoe, something it took half the damn game to get in FFI.
With my new canoe I can access a port town, where I can get a ride on a ferry that takes me across the ocean. From there I make my way up to another city nestled in the snowy mountains. Again, I've been playing for about an hour and have been to five different towns already, something that took half the game in FFI. My first proper dungeon is beyond a waterfall. I battle down a few levels, and find the villagers from the snow town that have been kidnapped and forced to mine the mythril. I help them to escape and then return to the surface.
Only to realise I still don't have the mythril I went in for. D'oh.
Final Fantasy I (completed)
Session 1 - Friday 12th October 2007
Play time : 2 hrs 45 mins
Final Fantasy I. I am playing this on the Playstation, on the Final
Fantasy Origins disc. I thought of playing the original NES version
or whatever, but I figure hey, why torture myself with crappier graphics
when I can play a remake ? There is an 'Easy' mode, but
I figured I'd better do the right thing and play it in 'Normal'
mode. Seems like the right thing to do.
The splash screen comes up, accompanied with the famous music that even
I recognize. There's an intro, animated, something that obviously
wouldn't appear on the original version. A knight fighting a dragon,
which seems to have no bearing on the actual story of the game. Something
about a prophecy, blah blah blah. Typical fantasy story setup.
And then on to character creation. Or rather, selection. The choices
are Warrior, Thief, Monk, Red Mage, White Mage, Black Mage. You can
choose four, which means two have to go. The Monk seems cooler than
the Thief, so the Thief is out. The Red Mage is a half-way between the
White and Black Mages. Seeing as though I have the other two, I also
do without the Red Mage.
My party :
And so it begins. I start in the first town where I equip my characters with crappy, cheap weapons and armor. Then, off to the castle. There, I'm told some unoriginal plot device about a prophecy and four warriors of light. Guess what, that's my party ! WOW !
Honestly, the story couldn't be more contrived, unoriginal fantasy fare without having a kidnapped princess.
Oh dear.
So, off I go looking for the stupid bint. I wander off into the wilderness
looking for stuff to kill. I find some goblins. My first fight. The
first of many, many, many :
I kick a little ass, and keep wandering around, leveling up. I get my Black Mage killed by a 'Crazy Horse', which sucks. More fighting, leveling up and buying equipment. Eventually I wander up to the northwest and find my first dungeon, a ruin. I go in a couple of times before running back to town to heal. Eventually I go into the middle room and find the kidnapper. My first boss fight !
Garland, despite supposedly fighting off the King's entire army, is a bit of a puss. I hand his ass to him and return the princess to the castle. My first quest has been a success. So then the king showers my party with cutting-edge weapons and armor and loads of gold and jewels, right ?
Hold the freakin' phone. You're building a bridge. A bridge.
You own an entire kingdom, and that's “all I can do for
you” ?
So let's get this straight. You rule a kingdom. The bridge between
your island and the mainland has broken.
PEASANT : Your majesty, the bridge in our kingdom is broken and I can't get back to my home across the river.
KING : Yeah, well, my daughter has been kidnapped.
PEASANT : Uh … that's awful. So, about that bridge …
KING : Didn't you hear me ? My daughter has been kidnapped !
PEASANT : Right. But you see, I'm not sure what the one thing has to do with the other.
KING : Don't you see ? I can't put my engineers to work at a time like this.
PEASANT : Well, I'm not sure you have to do anything yourself. Just tell them …
KING : A reward ! I know, I'll offer the building of the bridge as a reward !
PEASANT : For me ? But I can't rescue your daughter.
KING : Not you, for the Four Warriors of Light.
PEASANT : Why would they want me to get home ? You're just being cheap and lazy.
KING : Guards, stab this man in the throat.
And that's it. I get a massive civil works project completed in
my name. Do I get to collect a toll on this bridge ? Nope. Nothing.
Forget the bridge. Give me a raft. Give me four logs tied together with
rope, and give the bridge money to me instead. This is the worst quest
reward in gaming history. Luckily the king also has a team of super
ninja engineers who can build a massive stone bridge across a river
in about five minutes. So that's cool. Can't rescue his
daughter, can build a bridge in five minutes. Huh.
Anyway, I wander over the bridge and the title screen comes up. This
whole section has been a pre-title sequence. Nice.
Across the bridge I wander aimlessly for a bit, not sure where to go.
Wandering to the east, I eventually come to the next town. As per RPG
conventions, this town has significantly better weapons, armor and magic
spells than the first town. Why these people don't just stroll
over and kick the ever loving shit out of the first town beats me, there
would be no contest.
This town also has pirates. I bully then into submission, and take their
ship.
Good bullying.
I wander around a bit more and find a cave with a blind witch in it.
Not sure what to do there, so I just leave. In my ship, I sail down
south, following the land. I get out at the next available port and
find a third town. This is an Elf town, but I'm not racist so
I enter. The prince of the town is in a deep sleep and can't be
woken (wakened ? woke ? ) up, so I guess this is my next quest. There
is a mention of a witch who can help, so I guess that I have to help
that blind witch so she can help me.
There's lots of really good stuff for sale in this town. The first
two towns better be careful not to piss off the elves. I spend the rest
of my session wandering around looking for random encounters to make
money.
Then I stop, after an eventful first session. It has begun.
Session 2 - Saturday 13th October
Play time : 2 hrs 40 mins
Total : 5 hrs 25 mins
I start off the session doing a bit of exploring. I am really just
after gold at this point, so I'm not in a rush to get anywhere.
I am a bit annoyed with my black belt / monk character who is called
Bruce. He is supposed to be part of my fighting force, but he really
isn't pulling his weight at this point. Most of the work is being
done by my fighter.
I find a cave full of dwarves, but they don't seem to be doing
any good at this point and aren't singing any happy little songs.
I leave them alone and figure they'll feature more prominently
later. There is a cruddy, derelict castle that looks like this :
Note : bat. It MUST be a derelict castle.
It seems I have to go and delve into a cave in a marsh, so there I go. It's a bit of a ball-buster. I level up a few times and buy my first Level 4 spell. I feel very special. By the end of this session I have made it to the 3rd level of the marsh dungeon. But when will it end ?
Session 3 - Monday 15th October
Play time : 2 hrs 20 mins
Total : 7 hrs 45 mins
I finally get all the way down to the bottom of the Marsh dungeon. I find the crown that I was looking for :
And there was much rejoicing. I take it back to the derelict castle, but the guy who was there turns out to be a baddie and fights me. It seems that we are fools :
Foolish, foolish strange-jester-looking man. I kick his ever-loving ass. As expected. WHO'RE THE FOOLS NOW, BITCH ? The only problem with this boss is he has a cheap instant-death move. But it aint enough to stop me. Grrrrrrr.
From this, I get an eye which I then take to the blind witch. See how all the pieces fit together ? She takes it very, very politely :
This then nets me a potion that wakes up the elf king …
Note : Swans in bedroom. Yes, he's a bit faggy. This then nets
me a mystic key which opens a door in the first castle I started in
which gets me a keg of nitro powder which blows up a part of the dwarven
cave which opens up a canal above-ground which lets me sail through
to a new area.
Its obvious, when you think about it.
Session 4 - Thursday 18th October
Play time : 4 hrs
Total : 11 hrs 45 mins
Sailing through to the other side of the canal I find another island.
There is a town there that is suffering from bad Earth. It looks pretty
trashed. I find the Terra cave and set about some ass-kicking. The monsters
in here are pretty tough, there is a lot of back-and-forthing from the
town. Chipping away at the dungeon, going back to heal, chipping away.
It takes me quite a while to make it down to the boss – a vampire.
Put simply, this guy is a complete pussy. I kill him in two hits. TWO HITS ! Mwahaha ! Suck it.
I get a Star Ruby from this, but am left unsure of what to do next. I explore the rest of the island, and find another cave. There is a golem there who is blocking the way, but then eats my ruby and moves. I think I did this backwards, I think I was supposed to know that this was my goal before I even got the ruby. No matter.
This gets me through to the home of a sage on the other side. He tells
me there is more to the Terra Cave. Hmmmm, I thought that vampire was
too weak. I head back down and find there is indeed a fourth level to
the dungeon. Goody.
Session 5 - Saturday 20th October
Play time : 1 hr 40 mins
Total : 13 hrs 25 mins
Lots of dungeon delving. Oh joy. Level 4 of the dungeon leads to …
level 5. A logical progression. Just as I'm getting sick of this
damn dungeon, I finish it. The boss is a Lich. He can lich my ass (yeah,
I couldn't think of a good 'lich' joke). First he
tries to shoo us away …
But this doesn't work so we fight instead. He is big, but is luckily
wearing a girly dress which slows him down.
I activate my Earth stone. One down, three to go. Luckily there is a transport point behind the stone, so I don't have to fight my way back up out of the dungeon. Thank God.
The dungeon is finished, but I don't really know what to do next. I sail around the outer edge of the big continent and eventually come to a new town inside a crescent lake called Crescent Lake.
Session 6 - Sunday 21st October
Play time : 1 hr
Total : 14 hrs 25 mins
A particularly unsatisfying session. I bulk up on magic and equipment in the new town, but still have no idea where to go. I sail around and find another pretty big continent but can't find anywhere to land my ship. Where the hell am I supposed to go ?
I will admit that in my desperation, I turn to an online walkthrough. Oh, the shame of it all. It turns out that I am stupid, there is another part to the Crescent Lake town that I didn't find. There are more sages there. Twelve of them, in fact. They, like the dwarves, are not singing a cute little song. They look as though they should be :
They give me a canoe. Then one of them plays the banjo and tells Ned Beatty he has a 'mighty purty mouth'.
Session 7 - Wednesday 24th October
Play time : 2 hrs 30 mins
Total : 16 hrs 55 mins
Now, armed with a mighty canoe I explore the river systems. There is a new dungeon, a volcano called Mt. Gulg. The party is looking pretty good at this point, and my Monk is now kicking booty in an appropriate manner. Good chap.
I have enough money that I am now starting to use 'cottages'. This has nothing to do with George Michael, rather it means I can fully heal all my health and magic anywhere on the main map, rather than having to go all the way back to a town for an inn. This makes everything smoother and easier. And faster.
I bomb all the way through this dungeon until I reach the boss. It's a woman this time. Like all women, she is half-snake and tries to rip out my heart :
Also like all women, she has six arms :
I activate my Fire stone which makes my party throw their arms up in the air, in a way that makes me giggle like a little girl.
We transport out. I then explore a little further north and find an ice cave.
Session 8 - Friday 26th October
Play time : 1 hr
Total : 17 hrs 55 mins
I finish the ice cave without too much grief. I'm pretty well prepared for this. The 'boss' is an evil eye :
I'm not sure it really is a boss, because it goes down like a house of cards. The end doesn't activate a crystal, instead it's a Levistone. Fair enough, but I have no idea what to do with it.
Session 9 - Sunday 28th October
Play time : 1 hr 40 mins
Total : 19 hrs 35 mins
In the interim, I have checked the walkthrough again. I'm calling shenanigans on this. I have to go up to the northern continent and then go up a river.
Let me explain – when you get the ship, you can't just land it anywhere. There are some clear 'port' areas that let you land. On the northern continent there are none at all. But what's not explained, is that you can also land your ship at the mouth of a river and set out directly in your canoe. How the hell are you supposed to know this ?
Anyway, that's what you have to do to access the Castle of Trials. Trials ? Ha ! I make mince-meat of it. There's no boss, and the ultimate reward is a fabulous … rat's tail ?
So the ultimate reward in the Castle of Trials is a haircut that rednecks put on their unwashed kids. Great.
I also admit to using the walkthrough to tell me what to do with the Levistone. I use it in a patch of desert to get raise the airship.
Which looks like this, on the world map :
It's freaking awesome. It's fast, zipping all over the
place. But best of all, there's no random encounters once you're
in it, which is sweet. It lets me find and access a few new towns where
I buy some sweet gear and spells. I also find some caves with dragons
in them. Friendly dragons. Their leader is so impressed with my rat's
tail that he class-changes all my characters. I guess dragons don't
know how to kill rats and take their tails. Or something.
My new party looks like this :
NOTE : Oodles and oodles of Gil (money). This is a problem – I have everything I want and there's nothing left to spend it on. It's a shame, the game is more exciting when it's the other way around, when you scrimp and save every penny for new, cool equipment that you can't quite afford.
Session 10 – Friday 2nd November
Play time : 1 hr 30 mins
Total : 21 hrs 05 mins
I go out and find a caravan in the desert, acting on clues from the towns. They charge me some money, but I can easily afford it. This gets me a fairy in a bottle. Yes indeed. I take this to one of the towns where there is a pool of water. I let the fairy out and receive some Oxyale in return.
Like the song says : Oxyale ? Huh. Good God. What is it good for ? Absolutely nuthin'.
Nuthin' except traveling in barrel submarines, that is. I found a weird town where people talk about their legs all the time.
Yes, yes I do.
A woman at the pier in this town also has a barrel submarine, but no air. The Oxyale gives me access to a sunken temple. There are many levels here, and lots of treasure which befits the nautical theme. There are also mermaids, which I guess explains all the leg talk going on up above. Kind of.
I find a Rosetta Stone in a chest which I guess will be handy if I need to decipher any Egyptian hieroglyphics.
The boss here is the MIGHTY KRAKEN !!!
He tries to teach me my place, but I end up teaching him how to lie down and bleed to death.
Job done, I charge up my water stone and teleport back to the town.
Only one stone left to go now, the Air stone.
Session 11 – Saturday 3rd November
Play time : 2 hrs 20 mins
Total : 23 hrs 25 mins
I head up to a waterfall dungeon which is very short and easy. There is no boss, but there is a robot, which is fun. Robots are fun.
He gives me a Warp stone which I guess will come in later. I head back to the Earth town and get the Rosetta stone translated. This allows be to speak to the bird people in the bird town who previously just spoke crazy jibber-jabber.
From the newly-comprehensible avian people I get a bell, which gives me access to a tower, the Mirage Tower in the middle of a desert.
Again, I feel over-prepared for this. My party are stomping on faces left and right, and just blow through this dungeon. I transport up to a sky fortress, which is a little maze-like. Still, the fights are easy and I just flow through. I find some Adamantite, which I've been waitng most of the game to find. A dwarven blacksmith mentioned it ages ago and since then I've been keeping an eye out.
I also find a groovy map which shows me where the final temple is :
By this stage my mental geography of the game is good enough to recognize that as being right near the starting castle. It couldn't be the first dungeon I visited could it. Oh yes, it could !
The boss here is Tiamat, a hydra.
Alright, which one of you said that ? Tiamat ends up being a bit of a disappointment. I wax the floor with him without any bother at all. Why ? Because I'm hard, that's why.
I charge up the final crystal, the Air stone. So that part's done, at least.
Transporting out, I make my final arrangements. The games, basically told me I'm heading to the last dungeon. I take the Adamantite to the dwarves to get a kick-ass sword forged.
Not modest, but who cares ?
I buy my final top-level spells and walk up to the first castle. Then I save the game, realize the final dungeon is going to be a ball-breaker and quit playing for the day.
Session 12 – Tuesday 6th November
Play time : 2 hrs 40 mins
Total : 26 hrs 05 mins
So this is it. I give my loin a good hard girding and set out.
Yes, I really am in the first dungeon. Right where I killed the first boss, I put my newly charged crystals together.
This whisks me 2000 years into the past. Why ? Well, there's a very thin plot here, but basically, the bad guy is there. The bad guy is in the past so I go into the past to kill him. That's about as complex as it gets.
To make a long story short (too late), the final dungeon is tough. A lot of the previous bosses pop up as regular enemies now, which is kind of entertaining to see how easily I kick their asses.
At one point I play a lute to break a stone. Again, this is the lute the princess gave me right at the start. Everything is coming full cirle.
ROCK ON ! Why do I have to play a lute to break a stone ? Because … you know. Just because.
At some point I notice that on the menu screen my Gil (money) has completely maxxed out. I guess it's kind of academic at this point, but it still gives me a little pride. If I win, I win rich, even without any help from that cheap bastard king.
The final boss turns out to be Garland, the first boss I fought. Everything is coming full circle. Wait, did I say that already ? Well, anyways. Everything is coming full circle.
For some reason he's a demon now, called Chaos. This instead of being a fairly weak knight. I tells you, he should've busted this out right at the start of the game. If he'd done this when I was like level 3 or whatever, he would've killed my party in a single blow. The game would be pretty much unplayable. The bad guys would win.
Unfortunately, he has waited for my 20+ hours of gameplay and 30+ levels of experience. He's pretty tough, but his bad timing has inevitably lead to his demise. I kill him.
There follows an unnecessarily long extro sequence. It keeps saying things like :
It repeats itself over and over, saying the same thing in different ways. About light, and justice, and loops of time, and doing the right thing, and staying in school and not doing drugs and whatnot. I nodded off for a while but it just kept going.
Until eventually it was :
So I did it ! I was pretty proud of myself. Like I mentioned, I never finish games. This was something of a personal triumph for me. In the end, my characters were level 37. The game clock read 25 hours and 43 minutes, which is pretty damn close to my 'official' count of 26 hours 05 minutes. I completed it in 12 individual days of play, not bad.
Overall the game was fun enough. Some of the dungeons became a bit of a grind and overall it could've done with a lot more plot. But hey, this was the original game and it was made back in the day so I have to admit I found it surprisingly entertaining. So I guess I'm ready for Final Fantasy II now.
By the way, I'd like to remind you that if you know a better,
faster or more complete way of finishing this game, I don't give
a rat's ass.
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